When People Are Worried About Saccharine

In the early part of the year 2000, an astonishing announcement was heard on news programs across the US. "Sodium Saccharine, long purported to be a cancer-causing agent, was removed from the federal list of carcinogenic substances this week." I couldn't help but wonder at the irony evinced by the fact that tobacco was added to the list the same week. Millions of toothpaste comsumers breathed a sigh of relief, while dozens of Tab drinkers rejoiced.

"Sure," the skeptic attitude goes. "Anything in the proper amounts can give you cancer. Life gives you cancer." While I may not entirely disgree, I still have to wonder at all the things people conveniently overlook. What people stop drinking because of alleged cancer-causing proprties is influenced far less by any empirical evidence than the attitudes of their firends, the most recent cry of the network news, and, at the risk of sounding like I'm excessively generalizing, the culture they've been brought up to accept.

It strikes me that the most frightening food concoction in modern American culture is creme. I'm not referring to cream-- the stuff which comes out of a cow along with the milk (incidentally, it's interesting to note, how few people around can actually tell you what real cream is if you ask them). It's the silent e variety which is troublesome.

Without trying to destroy too many people's conceptions of what they're eating, I still think there's something to be noted. The creme you find in your average everyday sandwich cookie never touched a cow; it's usually a processed blend of vegetable shortening and confectioner's sugar. It still sounds innocent enough until you really visualize it. Seriously.

"You know what would make this chocolate cookie taste really good?"

"No, what?"

"Hand me the Crisco and the powdered sugar. Let me spread some of this stuff on there."

The fact that people will pay a premium price for cookies with extra creme in them shows how few people have actually thought about it. When you begin to ponder Twinkies, Zingers, and all manner of other treats filled with a handful of the stuff, it really gets scary. Do note, though, that the nutritional value probably isn't that much different-- real cream isn't noted for its low fat low calorie properties by any means, either, but I hope you see my point.

The effect isn't limited to snack cakes, either. If you're really bold, you'll take interest in finding out how the ingredients changed when fast food "milkshakes" turned into "shakes." I was particularly intrigued when a menu placed on my car window by a middle eastern restaurant nearby, included all the typical Mediterranean items I enjoy fairly regularly, along with:

* Sliced grilled "chicken" over rice
* "Chicken" kabobs

Sure, there's plenty of other easy targets, all the junior high cafeteria mystery meats, processed cheese spreads, meat snacks, and of course everyone thinks they fairly uncertain about what's really in a hot dog. Will shortening and sugar give you cancer? Most likely not. Nor will a hot dog qualify you for higher health insurance rates. I do have to ask myself, though, why do people eat those things and then scrutinize every last mineral percentage when shopping for bottled water? Why do people go to the movies and buy a Diet Coke to go with their tub of popcorn, the fat content of which, I've read, is the equivalent of 11 fast food hamburgers?

I'm not saying a person should give up Twinkies and popcorn, and I will concede that that Diet Coke does offset the popcorn calorie content a bit, but maybe next time, when stopping for a burger and a shake on the way home from work tomorrow, you'll think a little more and worry a little less about your toothpaste's saccharine content.

The Light Which Always Turns Off

I used to think I was crazy. I didn't want to mention it to anyone for fear of sounding paranoid. Every day, though, I'd get home from work or school, through my things in my apartment, and walk around the corner to see what my best friend and neighbor was up to.

On the end of my apartment building, right up near the roof, was a little light, encased in a frosted plastic box. Lights like that are everywhere-- you don't typically notice them. However, this light would turn itself off whenever I walked by it.

Sure it didn't happen every time, but it happened often enough that I knew for a fact that statistics would back me up: that light knew I was walking by. "Of course," you say, "there are lights with motion sensors everywhere you go these days." I don't disagree, though I still haven't determined what the utility would be of a light which operates only when no one is around, instead of the other way around.

After living in the same apartment for nearly two years, and walking by this same light for nearly two years, strange things begin to go through a person's head. Am I cursed? Is this a trick? Maybe I'm imagining this.... Perhaps it's an omen. A sign? Should I run? There was no way to test my theories. Day after day I continued to wonder if I were the anti-Christ and only this light knew it, and day after day my life continued, devoid of any sudden apocalypse.

I eventually moved to a different apartment, in a different city, and the light which always turned off left my mind. I can't say that I ever gave it another thought. Every once in a while, I'd be driving down the freeway, and a street light would suddenly go dark just as I passed it, but it would be lit again the next night, and I forgot it just as quickly. I realized I wasn't the angel of death, that lights don't wait for people to come by and then turn off, and that rational thought is an overall more socially acceptable alternative than worrying about such things.

It's been about five years now since I first noticed the light which always turns off, and I now live in yet another apartment. I'm over 300 miles away from the city in which I went to school. I don't publicly admit to believing in magic, witchcraft, omens, spirits, and such things anymore. However, I can't help wondering why the little yellowish light, in a square frosted plastic shell, mounted high on the end of the apartment building in which I now live, right over the stairs from the parking lot to the building, turns itself off every night without fail as I'm walking up the steps toward my apartment. I'm sure I'm imagining it.

Odd Combinations

Several years ago I was driving from Tyler, where I had played piano for a symphony reception, to Sherman, to see a friend of mine. Hoping to save some time and see some interesting things, I searched a map for the most direct route from one town to the other, and found a little state highway that sliced across the back woods of northeast Texas. The road was indeed fairly scenic, in a general sense, but not altogether extraordinary.

Suddenly, about halfway through the trip, in a little town whose name I don't remember, something caught my eye. On the left side of the road, in front a squatty beige cinderblock building, was the sign "Kay's Auto Repair, Welding, and Country Cafe." I immediately knew something was odd, but it took me a moment to realize how awkward the thought was. Keep in mind, this building was only about 30 by 50 feet in floor space, so even the fact that they could find a place for their welding supplies among their auto repair paraphernalia was interesting enough. A cafe though?

I couldn't help but wonder what kind of provisions the health department would have to make for such a business. "The same equipment must not be used for both mechanical work and food preparation. All restaurant employees must wash hands before resuming oil changes." I couldn't stop thinking of all the potential culinary disasters, all special sauce jokes aside.

The incident sparked an interest, though, so occasionally I've spotted other such calico businesses, or heard stories from friends. A few other notable examples that came up are "Ed's Tropical Fish, Electronics, and Trading Cards," "Star Video and 24 Hour Tanning," and my personal favorite, "I.W. Trucking, Drilling, and Day Care." I've seen dozens more, and I never cease to wonder at them.

Of course the first question that runs across my head is who comes up with these things? A few observations have led me to some theories. First, these kinds of establishments invariably show up in small towns, or smaller, less afluent suburbs of cities. None of them ever seem to be in a particularly high-rent looking shopping mall or building. Also, more times than not at least one of the functions corresponds to a service which is in particularly high demand in the area. Based on those trends, here's my theory.

A small town boy, with a particularly entrepreneurial bent decides to go into business for himself, but can't quite settle on what vital service he's going to provide to his beloved community. After weeks of deliberation, he finally sticks with something practical, that the folks would be proud of, hence the drilling or auto repair part of the combination. After a couple of years he suddenly realizes the dough never started rolling in like he expected, and thoughts of "supplementing the income" begin to roll around in his head. Having clearly observed, contrary to his neighbor's assertions, that Amway isn't the answers he looks for a service which he can perform with some of the equipment he already owns, and, since leasing another building would mean double rent, he houses that business in the same location as his standard one. Finally, since he's already running two different businesses, all bets are off for what the third and fourth should be. Anything he can squeeze into his little shop and make a buck with is fair game.

The problem I see with the process is this: if our small town friend had planned on his multiple business venture from the beginning, he could have selected a whole handful of services which complement each other perfectly, and would require the least amount of overhead because of overlapping equipment and facilities. To support my assertion, here's some examples which would work great:

• Dave's Tanning Salon and Rotisserie Chicken
• Jim Bob's Funnel Cakes and Grease Recycling Services
• Julie's Garage and Closet Cleaning Services and Craft Mall
• Sylvia's Tropical Fish and Sushi Bar
• Rob's Ski Shop, Travel Agent, and Reconstructive Surgery
• Albert's Concert Tickets and Camping Supply
• Martha's Pet Groomers and Wig Shop
• Pete's Lawn Care and Health Foods
• Larry's Cajun Cuisine and Animal Control Services

Of course, if things were that well planned out, there wouldn't be any more surprises on those back roads....