Have you ever started to try to count the number of things you've learned throughout your life? I was driving to work last week and started to put together a list in my head of all the simple, singular concepts I had learned in all the time that I could remember. I tried to stay clear of the bigger categories like "Calculus" or "Abnormal Psychology" and simply focus on those little life lessons that don't really fit into books -- the things that don't fall under the scope of any academic subject. I realized very quickly that most of the things that came to mind immediately also had a certain amount of pain associated with them.

I haven't led a difficult life by any means. That doesn't mean, however, that there weren't dozens of times when I couldn't have used a handy "rewind" button to try it again in order save myself a lot of agony or embarrassment. I recognized soon after that last realization, though, that the reason I remembered all these things was because I do look back on them and wince -- that if you come across a little piece of knowledge accidently and without consequence, you usually forget it equally quickly. Maybe it seems obvious, but I had never really thought about it that deeply.

Thus was born my list of things I learned the hard way. The ironic thing about anyone's painful moments is that they also inspire a great deal of understanding, and usually humor, and I felt they were worth sharing. So at the risk of exposing a little bit more of my humanity than I usually would, here is my list so far.

• A very young kitten who has diarrhea and who is not box trained is a ticking time bomb.
• The parking lot of a country church is not an ideal place to make out -- on a Wednesday night.
• If you feel you're about to sneeze, it's worth your time to scout out a trajectory for the sneeze contents which doesn't include other people.
• If her parents aren't supposed to be back within the hour, they will be.
• If your roommate is going to walk in on you and your significant other for the first time, rest assured there's a good chance this will be the occasion you'll be introduced to your roommate's mother, as well.
• Grape juice is not a low profile breakfast food when you feel a bout of nausea coming on.
• Never let your mom guess your jeans size. Never wear the jeans that were a result of such a guess to school.
• As much fun as it looks like at the time, sticking a Nerf basketball hoop to your forehead is a bad idea.
• Fighting over a cup of pickle relish in the school cafeteria will ultimately result in it being catapulted onto someone who spends way too much on her shampoo for the incident to be easily forgotten.
• Even if you don't get caught while skipping school, you may eventually get into trouble for missing another class for which you actually were present.
• Never ask a girl to leave unless you're open to the option of her never returning.
• A paper clip is not an adequate method for keeping your pants closed in place of a button.
• If you think that an ATM machine will retract a forgotten card so that no one else can take it, someone has badly misled you. If you think that no one can use your ATM card without your PIN number, you're naive.
• When the check a relative gives you for graduation says "Not valid after 90 days," no amount of pleading will convince the average bank teller to cash it six months later.
• Not locking the bathroom door based on the assumption that it's obvious the bathroom is occupied is a good way to prove that assumptions are often wrong. It's also a good way to let others see you naked, if you're into that.
• The dotted lines for some state highways on New Mexico road maps really do indicate dirt roads.
• As unusual as you may think your name is, the state can manage to find someone else with your name and send you their drivers' license in the mail.
• Even if your car does float safely to the other side, it will never smell the same again.
• Yes, kava tea will relax you that much.
• No matter how sick you feel the morning after a party, you can't assume a roommate is generous enough to clean up the new decorations on the front porch or the bathroom floor..
• Just because you're the one who got kicked in the groin doesn't mean that you're exempt from blame for the incident, if your teacher is female.
• You're never too old to be afraid of the dark.
• Just because you and she were in the fifth grade doesn't mean she didn't truly love you.
• Swearing to yourself that you'll never lock your keys in your car again is no substitute for an extra key in your wallet when it happens again a month later.
• If you're even wondering if you already bought it for them, you probably already did.
• No matter what your geographic location or time of year it is, a blizzard can always find you when you've just qualified for the finals in the 1600 meter race.
• Dead geckoes get stiff very quickly.
• If she wasn't your type four years ago, she probably isn't now, either.
• Ferrets' jaws open about as wide as a human's nipple.
• You can never bring too many warm clothes with you camping.
• Chapstick that has been sitting on your dashboard makes an interesting splatter pattern on new khaki pants.
• Just because you don't feel drunk doesn't mean you're exempt from a hangover.
• A pool is never as deep as you think it is.
• Yes, quitting smoking is as difficult as people say, but it can be done.
• If you lose touch with someone, they may not want to find touch with you later.
• Your younger brother falls off of a cliff into a tree. If you were there, it was your fault. If you weren't there, you should have been there to prevent it. This leads to the next lesson:
• Parents will find a way to blame you equally whether you tell the truth or not. If you lie and then tell the truth you will also be blamed equally. Twice.
• Even the loss of a pet bumblebee is sufficient cause for grief.
• Never underestimate how far a friend will go to help you out when you really need it.
• A fart will never be as quiet as you assumed it would be.
• Trying to renegotiate a cat's love for you after the disposal of his hunting trophy collection is not always easy.
• People change, but people won't often grant you the freedom to change as well.
• When you're in first grade, just because a joke doesn't sound dirty doesn't mean that it isn't.
• Dripping water on your pants when washing your hands in the bathroom is always a chance for people to assume the worst.
• Corollary: if you dripped pee on your pants in the bathroom, and someone asks you about it, you might as well tell them the truth, because that's what they're going to think anyway.
• A Christmas light stuck directly into an AC outlet will vaporize immediately.
• Regardless of how they got all the little staples to stick together in a row, they're still equally as sharp as when they're separate. Plus, there's lots more of them.
• Just because the cat likes coffee doesn't mean the cat should have coffee.
• Every car make and model has at least one part which must be special-ordered from Israel or Turkmenistan. Just hope that on your car it's not a critical one.
• If you're making fun of a girl's new boyfriend when you thought they had left the party, rest assured that they're not gone yet.
• If you had tamales for lunch, the only result of an emergency trip to the bathroom two hours later is the discovery that all the stalls are taken by everyone else who ate tamales for lunch.
• The urgency of the bathroom emergency is directly proportional to the distance of the nearest bathroom not closed for maintenance.
• No matter how many times you plant a flower in the pot and watch it die, the squirrel can plant a single nut in there and grow a tree.
• If you get mad at the cat for pooping on the floor, any ingenious cat's first reaction is to poop on the floor and hide it. This is particularly disturbing when the cat discovers some pieces of Christmas wrapping paper, and you naively start to unwrap the tiny gift you find in the corner.
• Accidentally grabbing the wrong power adaptor is the best way to add new functionality to the school laser.
• Don't back away from your desk quickly when wearing in-the-ear headphones.
• A goose who is tame enough to walk right up to you for food is not afraid to sit in your lap either.
• If you've missed the same freeway exit twice before, if it was possible you would have learned the first time. Accept the fact that it will happen again.